dariaphoebe: (redhead)
I wrote the message in a spare moment, then sat on it. I knew it was what I needed to do. I'd planned it. But I still needed to think, to steel myself, before I continued.

I slept on it, then offered it to a couple friends to read. They were folks who would be unemotional about it, as they were uninvolved. Again, I stepped back. What I had written explained over twenty years of personal history, a history relevant to the action I was now taking. The baring of my soul was not something I wanted to lightly undertake, but I didn't want there to be any misconceptions about why I was doing it. I also wanted to convey the regrets I had for the things I'd failed at, or left unfinished.

When I'd reached the milestone I'd set for myself, I opened my email client, formatted the text, and hit 'send'. I had cemented the deal, reclaiming part of my life for myself as I closed a chapter in my personal history. I couldn't pretend, though, that I was fully braced for the emotions, and so I went to bed lest someone reply before I did.
dariaphoebe: (redhead)
I looked down as I pedaled, watching as my simple crimson frock slowly darkened from the rain falling on me. The cart I pulled behind me slowed me a bit, but I would be back to our conference shortly. We'd had a catered dinner the night before, and the task that carried me away for a moment had been to deliver the leftovers to a charity that could make use of them. It was important to me, and thus a source of stress, that we ensure nothing go to waste while people are hungry.

It helped to have something to worry about. The morning had been full of emotion. I began by welcoming attendees for the day, sharing a little bit about my love of my neighborhood and my neighbors. After introducing the first talk, I got to listen before eventually carrying around a microphone when we got to the question phase. Then it was my turn to again take the podium.

After some fumbling with slides, I stood in front of the crowd and did my thing. It wasn't hard. I didn't even really need the slides. I'm intimately familiar with the things I work on. I've been working on them, in some capacity, since 1993 or so.

When I finished the programmed content, I took a step back, and shared some other things. Unlike the neighborhood promotion or the work I do, this was rather more personal. For nearly 15 years, I have been a proponent of the community that works to build and distribute this software. Some of the good things about that community can be laid at my doorstep. Alas, some of the dysfunction can, too. But as I shared my intentions, my voice faltered. I needed to do what I was doing, but change is not always easy when something has become ingrained in your life to the point of melding with your identity.

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dariaphoebe

May 2017

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