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Oct. 13th, 2017 03:01 pmThe light slowly growing through the blinds had only started to make an impact when ze stirred beside me. My mind became increasingly aware of where I was.
Our bodies were tightly entwined, my arms stretched out and curled around hir. Today, atypically, I was the first one awake. I heard hir breath resume its steady pace, and ze settled back into sounder sleep. I, meanwhile, remained still.
"What are your goals for therapy?", she'd asked me. I proceeded to lay out my life and the problems I had that I hoped we might address. She stopped me at one point, suggesting that perhaps one of the issues stemmed substantially from the fears of abandonment I'd already expressed. "Absolutely," I concurred.
If I shifted now, perhaps ze would awake, and we could start our day. But as with each preceding day I'd found myself snuggled up close, I didn't want to get up: what if this was the last time? What if this was the day some occurrence I hadn't expected came to the fore and I went back to ending my days with an empty bed? Taking things for granted can and does lead to complacency, but there is no comfort to be found in fear, however well-founded and oft-repeated the conditions leading to it have been.
I relished the touch of flesh against my own, closing my eyes in the hopes that savoring the comfort of the moment would be a salve for the wounds from too many nights alone even if it couldn't save me from more of them.
Our bodies were tightly entwined, my arms stretched out and curled around hir. Today, atypically, I was the first one awake. I heard hir breath resume its steady pace, and ze settled back into sounder sleep. I, meanwhile, remained still.
"What are your goals for therapy?", she'd asked me. I proceeded to lay out my life and the problems I had that I hoped we might address. She stopped me at one point, suggesting that perhaps one of the issues stemmed substantially from the fears of abandonment I'd already expressed. "Absolutely," I concurred.
If I shifted now, perhaps ze would awake, and we could start our day. But as with each preceding day I'd found myself snuggled up close, I didn't want to get up: what if this was the last time? What if this was the day some occurrence I hadn't expected came to the fore and I went back to ending my days with an empty bed? Taking things for granted can and does lead to complacency, but there is no comfort to be found in fear, however well-founded and oft-repeated the conditions leading to it have been.
I relished the touch of flesh against my own, closing my eyes in the hopes that savoring the comfort of the moment would be a salve for the wounds from too many nights alone even if it couldn't save me from more of them.
